No Place Like Home

The world was unbearable today

 

vertigogitrev

 

work with its fading faces    the bodies of those I share space with

           if I go away                   another body will replace me        another pair of hands that move

          like mine do now          maybe better                       inside a set of black latex gloves

          across cold skin             I wiped away the scarlet ribbons draping across trembling thighs     a sharp needle stabbed a million miles per hour              I shifted in my apron and closed my eyes hoping for sleep                       swallowing my pride         so to not admit            some kind of regret

 

         and there I was      with the smell of disinfectants in the air     rock and roll music through the speakers        wailing      breaks   verse   chorus   verse

         the hive with its buzzing sound of tattooing machines working for their pound of blood

 

no more     finesse

 

schubert’s 8th in B minor on the grey matter while drums and screams filled the brick building where I suck away at bleeding wounds       and my client looked at me with watery eyes

       it’s father’s day   he says

       with the windows to his hole      he tells me what I want to say

       that it hurts         I have been doing this for thirteen years

       I’m a professional       which allows me to continue through the tears

 

my father weeps on the telephone to my sister

I didn’t answer his call

he was a rock star to me rolling stone personified

he left us and I admired him for it

o father, there are no such thing as sins

 

keep rolling

while I keep rocking

  he left a few things behind not for me he just forgot them or didn’t care

            the wall on vinyl   dark side of the moon    a saucerful of secrets drawings poems

I found it one day and realized he had passed some of himself to me

for better for worse

I have changed

              I don’t know if I was wrong    I know I am wrong now   and never have I been so right

 

       Daughter, if you read this somehow–someday, know your father did his best without a beating heart

      know that courage was sought after

      understand  the brain malfunctioned

      and home I never had

        the 8th left me and the longing song took front stage

 

 

    psychopathy can be added to the list of things dismissed

    or, like I choose to say, low empathy levels

 

    fear with its fangs and claws rendered me limb from limb      a boy like a beaten toy

    lost and hearing voices suicidal under bridges drugs yes women yes and the void remains

 

 

     another golden brick in the wall

let us hope this new block does not chip

 

     there is no place like the void

     there is no place like the void

     there is no place like the void

 

 ∞